Beautiful

Today I was watching What Not To Wear (more like glancing at it occasionally), and there was a woman on who was a mother who didn’t really care how she looked and was overweight. She went to a store to try on clothes and became really upset because nothing fit her right because she was unhappy with her body. She said something along the lines of “I have never felt beautiful”. This made me realize how lucky I am.

Even though I’ve had extremely disordered eating for like twelve years and I’ve seen my weight go very high and very low and back again a million times, I’ve always known that I am beautiful. Recently (and for the past six months or so) I’ve felt like crap and I’ve felt like I LOOKED like crap because I’m very unhappy with the way I look. But I know that I’m not ugly. No matter how shitty I look when I wake up in the morning or when I haven’t showered for three days because I’m too depressed to get out of bed, I still know that I’m not ugly.

I think this probably has something to do with my mom. The way I was raised, my mom always called me beautiful. From day one. Even in middle school when I had nasty braces and glasses and was getting fatter and fatter by the minute, my mom never stopped thinking I was beautiful and always let me know it.

Even though I’m severely depressed and having a very hard time losing weight, I’ve never lost that mindset. I know deep down that I’m an awesome person and I know that if I take care of myself I can be the most beautiful girl in the world. Which is probably what keeps me from giving up.

I really hope everyone who reads this can look in the mirror today and find something about themselves that they like. Maybe your face is breaking out or your hair is greasy or you just got braces. But as long as you stay feeling beautiful on the inside you’ll feel beautiful on the outside. Never lose hope. You’re all beautiful.







Garbage

My life as I know it is going up in flames. I’m trying to get a job, trying to move out, trying to raise a kitten, trying to not be fat, thinking about going back to school, and trying not to let the skin fall off my hands from all the hand washing I’ve been doing (because of the kitten). I’m exhausted and sickly and rundown and I just want everything to go back to normal. It’s almost summer and it’s really fucking hot every single day now and I hate it. I hate it here!!! I can’t wait until hurricane season starts!

I can’t work out in my house because there’s literally no room. My dad parks his truck in the garage now and it SERIOUSLY takes up the entire garage. I can’t do anything in my room because the kitten and her stuff is everywhere. I can’t go outside because it’s four thousand degrees. I can’t stop eating because I’m stressed out and craving cheese. I haven’t weighed myself in like two weeks because I’m too afraid of how I’ll react once I do.

There’s a turtle digging in the sand outside my window and it’s making dust go up into the air and it looks like smoke.

When this summer is over I better fucking have my life together because this is just a big old ugly mess.

And these fucking allergies NEVER GO AWAY and they are driving me up a wall.

Love you, bye.






Road Block

So I had to stop doing the 30 Day Shred after day 9. I know I shouldn’t make excuses, but I’ve been taking care of a newborn kitten for two weeks and cat stuff is filling up my room/life! As soon as she’s gone I’m seriously going to buckle down and try to lose like 10 pounds. I think that’s all it would take to make me feel a lot better about everything. My sister called me skinny twice in the past few days and I was like WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? It’s nice that she sees me that way but she has no idea what’s going on underneath this fabulous facade. (Ha.)

I’ve decided I need to stop going out to eat with my parents if I can avoid it, at least for a little while, because I’ve been unable to control myself lately. It’s not like I would classify it as bingeing (binging? the longer I try to spell it right, the weirder it looks) but I always feel terrible after I’m finished eating. Physically and emotionally. So I just need to remove the temptation for the time being.

Hopefully I’ll be back to update with something positive soon.







Oy

I just finished day SEVENNNN of the 30 Day Shred. I’ve done this every single day for a week. I GUESS it’s getting easier. I also rode five miles on my bike (in the dark, at 11:30 pm). I’m very. Tired.

I went out to eat with my parents today. I should’ve trusted my instincts and stayed home but instead I ended up ingesting a grilled cheese, fries, and a peach margarita (whose alcohol content was too low to even be worth it). I’m just trying to enjoy eating a restaurants like a normal person! Things were actually better when I gave up alcohol and pizza for Lent. I think I’m going to give up pizza again for good (just the homemade kind my parents make all the time, I hardly ever eat ACTUAL pizza), but the alcohol isn’t really a problem at the moment. Since I do the 30 Day Shred every night, it deters me from feeling like getting drunk because I know I have to work out. I don’t even enjoy getting drunk by myself anymore. It just makes me feel horribly guilty afterwards and weed is just so fucking much better. If I had a constant supply of weed, I would never drink again.

Anywayyy, I haven’t mentioned yet that I’m trying to walk/run/bike 365 miles by the end of 2012. I didn’t start until the end of January but the end date is December 31, so I don’t have 365 days exactly but I don’t care. After tonight I’m on day 81 and I’ve finished 82 miles. Since I’ve been doing the 30DS I haven’t been biking or walking (let alone running) so I’ve fallen a little behind. I’ve been kind of busy the past few weeks with appointments and birthdays and boating and holidays so I haven’t had time to ride my bike because I usually do it around lunchtime when it’s not blisteringly hot yet. (I don’t usually wake up until 11:00.) SOOO I really have to start doing that again.

Stop. Banana time.







Blah!

I just got finished with day SIX. SIX! of the 30 Day Shred. I have been doing it every single day, which is miraculous. It doesn’t hurt so bad anymore but I usually wake up with my calves hurting a lot.

Yesterday I ate like an idiot. My sister gave me money for dinner when I went to pet sit and I decided to order a pizza from Domino’s because their website gives you nutrition facts and you can order online so I didn’t have to have an anxiety attack calling them in person. So I got like the healthiest possible pizza (thin crust, light cheese, light sauce, and pineapple on half) but I ended up eating the entire thing between 9 last night and 12 this afternoon. I also drank a Mike’s Harder Mango Punch and had french toast at an Amish restaurant with my sister for breakfast.

BUT IT’S ALRIGHT. It’s only one day. My body might be exploding with salt and sugar right now and I haven’t eaten fresh fruits or vegetables in like two days, but it will all be okay. It’s been ridiculously difficult for me lately to not give into the temptation to just stop eating altogether. I’ve been stuck in the same place for a really long time and it’s so fucking frustrating. But I know I can’t do that anymore, so I just have to suck it up and move on.

I’m kind of nauseous. I’m going to eat a banana. Love you bye.